I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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