did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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