I love black thongs
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
