I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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