matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
