You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
