need another drink. this is the easiest way
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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