Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
