i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
