My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
