I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
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And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
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His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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