I wish I only lived at night.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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