Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
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When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
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Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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