So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
