she woke up with a sticky ear
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
