this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
