NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
