Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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