Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
