Have you finally orgasmed yet?
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
