so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
