I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
