We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
