I feel great
I just peed on a car
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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