dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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