I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
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WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
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I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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