i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
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