Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
