I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
