They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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