I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
