Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
