at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
