Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
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He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
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Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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