Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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