Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
