if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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