this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Did I show you my penis last night?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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