Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Randomize
