he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
only you would photoshop your dick
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
