I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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