his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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