Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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