I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
