he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
