At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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