it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
