I could make wine with my vomit
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
did you just send me my own nude
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
