why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
