I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
