You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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