4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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