dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
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What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
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I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
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