I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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