he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
