Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
