They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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