We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
