If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
just tell him i said nine months
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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