things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
