I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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