Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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