I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
